It’s been awhile since I’ve written a blog.   I’ve been going through a lot emotionally and I have found that it’s easier for me to write about it once I’ve come through on the other side and have had time to reflect.   I’m not on the other side yet but felt compelled to write about the seasons.  Of life.

As most of you know Mark has been in my life since about a month after my husband died and he has been a huge part of my healing and moving forward.  He’s been my best friend for these almost six years but recently our dynamic has changed and our family dynamics have changed also as the kids have gotten older.   Hell, I’ve changed.  Losing your husband to suicide unexpectedly will do that to you.   Loving a suicide widow is really, really hard especially when they are still young in the grief process as I was when we first started dating. We all know that grief never truly goes away but comes in waves as you process through it and try to discover who you are now that your life has abruptly done a 180.    Mark has been with me through all of that turmoil and it hasn’t been easy.     We also have had lots of love and fun and laughs and memories, oh the memories, these past six years but through hugs and kisses and tears we decided to part.    He is an amazing man and I know that he’ll still be there for me if I need him but right now my heart is raw and broken and once again I’m entering a season of grieving for a life that might not be in the plan.   You all know I have very strong faith and I have peace (somewhat) that if it’s part of the universal plan for us to be together then we will come back together when it’s time.   It’s scary parting ways and knowing that the other may possibly find someone else and then going back isn’t an option but we were at the point where we had to make some decisions and stop playing limbo and holding on. I have great love for him and his kids and family so it’ll be a huge adjustment this holiday and birthday season (we both have December birthdays).

Last night the kids and I decided to make a new Christmas memory and we went to Crown Center to ice skate.   I hadn’t been since I was a child and they had never been so it was fun and then we went over to Union Station which is extra beautiful at Christmas and had a special spontaneous dinner at Pierponts.   It was pricey but a treat and we talked about the changes and what we were feeling and it was good.    Then I came home and watched another sappy Hallmark movie.

Another recent change is that we rescued a dog.   My kids have always wanted a dog and I finally relented when we decided to get a rescue.   Luna is a shepherd/whippet mix I believe and now I actually think she is more for me than for them.   She is crazy and a pain in the ass but then so, so sweet too.    She is only one so a big chewer and has destroyed some things and my living room often looks like I have a one year old child with toys and bones strewn around trying to keep her busy but I think we are a lot alike.  I joke that she has abandonment issues, anxiety and PTSD like I do but I really think she does.   She sleeps on the end of my bed and I sleep much better with her there.   Since Brian died I could never sleep with my back toward the door but now I can because she makes me feel secure.    She will chew anyone who might come through that door.  haha

Speaking of PTSD, I haven’t really blogged about that because I don’t want to take away from people who have been through more trauma than me but then I realized that this is my blog and my journey.    I always thought PTSD was just for war veterans but I have discovered that is not the case.    Because my loss was unexpected and traumatic and involved suicide it has given me what they call “complicated grief” and PTSD.   Luna or Lunatic as I jokingly call her is really helping with that so I’m grateful for her and just hope the chewing puppy stage gets over soon.

Life is definitely like the seasons.   I’m entering a new and different season and though right now I can’t imagine my life without Mark in it I just have to sit back and let life unfold.    I’m learning and growing and changing whether I want to or not. It’s hard not to control everything which I surely try to do but I’m also trying to be more in the moment and to give up some of that control to just “be”.      I have a safe home and happy, healthy kids so a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.