I recently had my kitchen cabinets repainted from dark espresso to white for a fresh change and while the refrigerator was moved out I found the last Christmas card that Brian and I had sent out amidst all the dust bunnies.  I cleaned it off and placed it back on the fridge to remember for awhile. All those memories from the last holiday season keep popping up.  They always do this time of year.  No matter how much has changed or my new (or not so new) relationship or the years that have passed, the memories just cannot be locked away.  Not that I want them to be but sometimes they are just painful reminders.  I did try to send out cards like we always did once or twice after his death but haven’t in the past few years.  Just the act of doing that is a trigger so I think I have just avoided it and these days I know lots of people see pics and updates via Facebook but I still like getting other people’s cards and always display them for a while so maybe next year I will try again.

Seeing some of these last pics of him smiling and looking and acting like his usual self always makes me think about how some people can really hide depression because as you all know from my previous blog posts we had no idea what he was struggling with behind that smile.

I recently started my own bookkeeping business and I’m working on getting that up and running and bringing in what I need financially and I know that he would be super proud and supportive.  It’s hard to believe we are coming up on eight years since he has been gone.  The kids are so grown up and I really hope that he’s watching over us from that invisible plane that we can’t cross.  I do  get the signs still and I always acknowledge him, sometimes out loud, and say “Hi Brian, I got that.”

Love to you all!   2020 has been a crazy stressful year and I’m looking forward to 2021 and hoping it brings freshness, health, love, joy and peace to all of us.

His last Christmas Eve with us and he and stayed home with a sick Hayden.