This Covid thing and not working has had me doing lots of tinkering around the house. I’ve organized lots of cabinets and drawers and gotten rid of stuff and recently I found a few of my journals from years ago and went down a rabbit hole of memories reading through those and let’s just say that I think it was meant to be that I found them at this time.

I started these journals in Dec of 1998. This was a couple of months after meeting Brian and soon after my split from my first husband. They ended in Feb of 2005 so about 7 years of my innermost thoughts and feelings and I’ve only journeled a handful of times since then, even after Brian’s death I didn’t pick up the pen much. Of course this blog is a journal of sorts but definitely not as intimate as my personal journals were.

It’s fascinating to read my words from 20 plus years ago. The same girl but then also so much different now. The years and life have changed and molded me of course, most for the best but a little for the worse maybe.

What really surprised me looking back at the journals was what I wrote about Brian. We all know how shocked we were when he chose to end his life and how unexpected and out of character it was. I have said repeatedly that “I never in a million years would have expected him to do that” but now sadly a small part of me can possibly see the cycles and signs of depression that I didn’t before. For the past 7 1/2 years I have struggled with the guilt of not being able to see the signs sooner and save him. Of course I know it wasn’t my fault but that nagging feeling of what could have been different had I known his pain always lingers. I truly did not see the signs in him but looking back at these old journals I can see the patterns that he went through, maybe even depression way back then but of course that word was never uttered through the years. In my journals I have tucked away letters that I received back then. Sometimes Brian would write out his thoughts to me and print them out in letters. I also have some emails printed off from the woman who had been a friend who my ex left me for after he also left her and she wanted forgiveness and it was interesting to read our back and forth correspondence from back then. She has also been through a lot in life. And yes, I forgave her. Way back when it was still fresh in my mind because that’s how I am. Sometimes to a fault I’ve been told but like I’ve always said I forgive as I know we are forgiven but I don’t forget. These things just continue to mold and teach you as you continue on your journey of life.

I was really surprised to read this except that I wrote in 2000. Two years before we were even married.

I don’t have any memory of writing that so when I read it all these years later it hit me pretty hard to know he had shown signs of depression even then which was 13 years before he died and I somehow failed to remember this. I know we had children and life got busy but still odd to me that I didn’t rack my brain and realize there was a pattern. In his “suicide” note it started off with “I have battled depression for a long time…” and I was so confused when I read that and now I see that he did and I just had blinders on.

I also found this except from one of his letters that he wrote me again before we were married.

He admitted then that he dealt with stuff by hiding away and again I didn’t remember this until I found the journals and things clicked. I do remember how into the Mars and Venus books we were at that time and I thought when he secluded away for days he was just in his “man cave” and that it was normal. Maybe it was normal but maybe it was also early signs that it was more depression?

Needless to say I can’t now add on to my guilt of not saving him had I known or remembered his patterns. He didn’t admit it then or ever and I just have to accept that now and move on maybe knowing that this was out of my control. I do like to control everything and I just couldn’t here.

Right now I am sitting on the Laramie river in Wyoming with his parents and sister and family. The others are out fly fishing with a guide. Brian would love this and would so be in his element. We miss him. I know he’s here.