Six years later…Happy

So it was a Friday just like today exactly six years ago that my life was about to change literally overnight. I didn’t know that yet as I put my kids to bed, them asking what time daddy was coming home, and I crawled into bed myself. I hadn’t heard from him at all that Friday and was expecting him home in the evening from a one night trip to Denver. I wrote about that whole awful night and day in my very first blog a year ago so won’t rehash all the details here but that was literally the longest night of my life. I didn’t sleep a wink and texted and called him all night. I knew in the depths of my soul that something was terribly, terribly wrong. I even put on clothes instead of night clothes in case I got a knock on the door in the middle of the night. Morning came and then I packed up the kids to go drive around the airport looking for his black explorer among all of the other black explorers. Of course I didn’t find it and he wasn’t there anyway but I didn’t know what else to do at that point so it made me feel like I was doing something.

Hours later I called the police and reported him missing and within a few hours I had those three cops ominously walking up my street. I do remember not flipping out when the main policeman told me that “we found him and he is deceased”. I didn’t flip out because I guess I already knew. I just didn’t know that it was suicide for a few moments until I asked. I thought it was a car accident. Oh how I still wish it was an accident so the family and I don’t have to live with the questions and stigma surrounding that but it wasn’t and we are.

So, here I sit six years later and I am a changed person because of all of it but still that same person if that makes any sense. This is still a hard week as the dates just make you remember those last days and conversations. I still have all his texts on my phone but haven’t looked through them in a while but just can’t delete them. I did just re-read his letter again and just picture him sitting there writing it. You can tell that he was in despair and honestly saw no other way out. You can tell from his handwriting that he wrote it hurridly. At one point he writes, “choosing this way out while it might seem cowardly or even selfish actually much of the decision was thinking of the best outcome for you and the kids in the long run. I know it will be devastating but no more so than me eventually having to quit or leave my job in an emotional breakdown and then have no way to provide for you and them and then being perceived as a failure”. That makes me so very sad. It made me feel guilty for a long time too. If anything comes out of the recent attention on suicide and how frequently it happens these days I just hope that other men and women can learn from my experience that it’s not “better” for us that he’s gone. That just doesn’t make sense but in the state he was in he just couldn’t see how to get out of the hole.

He also wrote, “ Damita, I will always love you and you really were the best thing that ever happened to me (as well as the kids of course) I just wish I could have provided you more consistent love and support and all that you deserve. I hope this horrible moment in time will behind you soon and hope you can find all happiness and fulfillment in the future”.

See why guilt has been such an issue for me? It makes me so sad that he felt that way and has taken me years to feel less guilty and be able to move past the decision that he made but I think I finally don’t find myself ultimately responsible for his happiness or lack therof.

Honestly, I still can’t picture him making the decision that he did and I never will understand that. So, so out of character and conversations that we had. Go back and read my first ever post titled “Shock” if you want to read more of that.

It has been a long, slow process but I can truly say that I am more at peace than I have ever been since his suicide. I don’t blame him anymore, I’m not mad at him anymore. I feel really sorry for him that he was that sad but couldn’t talk to me or anyone. I feel sorry for our kids that they won’t have him around for fatherly advice. I do admit I get a little bitter and feel sorry for myself sometimes that I have to raise the kids on my own. That’s a big responsibility and sometimes I’m a little bit of a pushover and worry that I’m not doing enough to raise them to be competent, responsible adults but I know even married parents worry about that some too. It’s hard being both mom and dad.

Because of Brian’s death I am different. I give people much more grace. On the outside we have no idea what battles someone may be facing. Their husband could have just left them or someone got a cancer diagnosis or they have mental illness like Brian. You just never know so I give people grace when maybe I would have gotten irritated or annoyed before. I guess I’ve really learned compassion and hope that I’ll pass that on to my kids. I’m stronger. I can handle a lot I think. Maybe the little things are harder for me than the big things because I trust that God has got me. He is protecting me as best he can as I learn these lessons that I’m here to learn.

I used to be really afraid to love again because I’ve always lost that love to abandonment, betrayal or death but my relationship with Mark is the first relationship in my life that didn’t end that way. I actually didn’t even fully realize that until I wrote that just now so now I’m tearing up. See how therapeutic this blog has been! Instead it ended with love and friendship and though I don’t know what the future holds I do know that we will always be close if we don’t end up back together. He helped my kids and I cope with our tragedy. He brought fun and love and adventures into our lives when I probably would have been curled up on the couch. He brought life back to me. Brian wanted me to love again as he wrote in his letter. I felt guilt for doing that for a long time but I’m not afraid to love anymore. Yes, love hurts and your heart is sometimes broken but you can’t find love if you never open your heart to it. Like the saying goes, “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before”. That’s so true. Life is about love. Loving ourselves, loving others, just being love.

I titled this blog Happy because I can honestly say that I’m happy. Sure, I worry about money and raising my kids right and their futures but we all worry about that right? My kids tell me in sweet cards how proud they are of me and that makes me happy. They are happy kids. I know Brian would be proud of me too. I haven’t done everything perfectly but I’m not perfect and I’m learning as I go. Today I’ll remember the great man that Brian was and not the tragic way he left us and maybe I’ll remind the kids of a couple funny stories and how much he loved them. I’ll never “get over” Brian but I can move forward and make the most of this life I was given. I will love my kids fiercely and live my life fearlessly. Xoxo