I know that Brian wasn’t in his right mind when he chose to end his life because of where he chose to do it.   While I’m grateful that he didn’t do it at home for us to find him he instead chose a hotel that’s very close to our home and someplace I see nearly daily when I run my errands.   I think when he drove home from the airport that very early morning after cancelling his overnight trip that he just couldn’t come home and ended up at the hotel five minutes from our house instead to think and ultimately make the decision he did.   It’s hard to grasp that he was in that hotel while I was running around with my sister getting her wedding dress.   I thought he was in Denver and I was oblivious to what he was going through.   That’s hard to swallow.  

The room number that he was found in is listed on his death certificate.   In the days after his death I took the elevator up to that room and just touched the door and left but to this day when I see the hotel which is almost every day I find myself counting up the floors to the room and just looking at the window as if I’m going to see him looking out.  

Since I of course read over the details of how he was found in the police report I often imagined his last hours and what he must have been going through.  I know it might sound really odd to some people but for some reason I felt like I needed to be in that space that he was last in so just before the three year anniversary of his death I called the hotel with Marks urging and asked if I could  rent that particular room just for a day.    I was nervous calling with such a request but I knew the hotel staff would know of course of what happened that day in January a few years prior.   The young girl who answered the phone was a little taken aback I think and put her manager on the phone.   I don’t remember his name but he was so nice about it and didn’t act like it was at all weird.  I just told him I was the widow of the man who died in that room and he said I was welcome to the room for the whole day and wouldn’t need to pay.    

A few days later was January 25th, 2016, three years since he left us.    I got the kids to school, picked up a Starbucks chai latte and headed into the hotel.   I was so nervous and shaking like a leaf.   There were two young girls at the desk and I told them who I was and what I was there to do and the first girl looked confused but the other one took over and totally knew what I was talking about which was a relief so she handed me a key and I walked toward the elevator.   I wonder what they said after I left?  That poor woman or why would she want to go there?  Who knows.

Going up the elevator I thought of him going up there the last time.   Was there someone else on the elevator that he chatted with?  I went into the room and just kinda stood there for a bit.   It looks just like every other hotel room that I frequently stayed in for work.    The details of the police report ruminated through my mind.   It had said music was playing which I assume was from the clock radio.  I’ve always wondered what station he had it set on.   So I walked around that room and envisioned him in there and his stuff in the bathroom (that is still packed up hidden in my closet actually).   I looked out the window at what his view was.    I ended up just sitting in complete silence, in my own head, for over three hours.   I imagined him sitting at that desk writing that letter to me and sympathy cards to me, his parents, sister and Austin and Tyler.   Seems a little morbid I know but I’m glad I got that card and letter.   I just wish that I had run into him in that Hallmark store.   Couldn’t God or spirit guides have put me there at the same time or something to have stopped what ended up happening?  I talked to him and prayed and then miraculously I almost fell asleep sitting in that big overstuffed chair.     I felt the deepest sense of peace wash over me that was unmistakable.

I’m really glad that I went there that day.  It took three years for me to do it but I’m glad Mark encouraged me to go through with it.    Maybe I just needed to be in the space that he was last in.   I ended up leaving feeling very peaceful.   Though I will always wish I could have prevented what happened I know Brian is at peace and I need to be able to live the rest of my life with peace as well.    It’s not always easy and I frequently fall back to the fear and anxiety that his death brought on but a little time in my head and faith in our souls after death helps me get back to that peace.    I still count up to that window though.  Probably always will.