When Brian died it  it took me completely by surprise.   No inkling even in the back of my mind that he was ever capable of this.   If you had asked me prior to his death if I thought he might go that way I would have said absolutely not, never, not an option based on conversations that we had had over the years.

So obviously I was shocked and traumatized when it actually did happen.   It was the worst day of my life by far and I’ve lost my step brother and a best friend tragically but this topped those if you can top such a thing.

On paper and to the outside world we looked like a perfect couple, perfect family, and for the most part we were but we were not 100% perfect.   Who is???    I wonder now if some of the issues we were facing and I was feeling the last few years were due to his undiagnosed depression.      We worked great together and rarely fought over the years but as kids and jobs came as often happens in marriages we got into a routine and a lot of coming and going.  I would let him decompress when he was home but I noticed he was just on his computer a lot or sleeping and I started to get a little resentful when he was like this when I had been with the kids all week and wanted him to interact with them now that he was home.  I didn’t want them to feel neglected like I was kind of feeling but I understood how he was “on” so much in his job when he was traveling and needed to unwind and have time to himself when he got home but it just seemed to snowball and he never came out of that.  Now I see that was depression but I didn’t see that at all then.     I was working too at the time and both of us traveling but his job took precedence as he was the bread winner and I scheduled my travel around his to make it less stressful for the kids.     I started feeling distance in our relationship and we worked to make sure to schedule date nights and such and talked about it but at some point I thought something might be wrong with me and I started counseling for the first time in my life.    I only went three times before he took his life.    I felt like roommates which I know is a common thing at that stage in a marriage and I’m sure he felt the same way.      We were just disconnected and it pains me to write that now because I see now where I could have changed things if I had known.

I remember laying in bed one night talking about my appointment with my new therapist and he said “maybe I should go too” and I said “yeah let me go a little more and maybe so”.      Was that him reaching out?     I have to live with that.

I do know that we were talking throughout this whole thing that I thought was just stress with him so I really don’t know why he talked so openly with me as always about fears and his stress but didn’t really get into what he was really feeling you know.  Something inside of him kept him from telling me, his closest friend in the world,  who would do anything for him that he was struggling.   That’s mental illness and what we need to change somehow.   Strong men like Brian still need to know they can be human and show weakness and need help.   Easier said than done I know.

One of my last memories, and I really wish I knew when this was in relation to his death, was us laying in bed one night and he was stressed and you could feel the heaviness.   We laid side by side for long moments without speaking and then I just reached out my hand and we laid there holding hands.    I thought we would be okay.