I’ve always loved spring when the earth comes alive again but it’s all the more glorious now since Brian died.    He died in the bleakness of January.   Matched his frame of mind too I suppose.   Everything so brown and dead and lifeless looking.  

 I vividly remember mentioning non-chalantantly that “the news said today is the most depressing day of the year” as he was heading down to the basement.   He stopped and turned and asked “how so?”    I can still see him standing there looking up at me and I play that short conversation over in my head a lot.   The date was January 21st, only four days before he took his life.   I said something like, “oh just because its winter and holidays are over and a lot of people overspent, etc”.     I really don’t remember what I said exactly but just that it was the perfect opportunity for him to maybe share with me that he could see how that could be or that he feels a little of that as well, etc.  But he didn’t.    If he had, would we have had a whole conversation about it and then discussed getting him help??   It didn’t go that way so I’ll never know if I could have changed the outcome.   

I remember that first spring after he passed because life started blooming again here in the midwest and the world came out of its winter hibernation.   It encouraged me that there was still life in me and that I would come alive again in my own time.

I remember when my mother in law was showing us houses and when we found this house we both knew right away that this was the one we wanted.     I sat on the hearth that very first visit and looked out across the living room and into the kitchen and pictured our lives here. I could see it.    At the time Hayden was not yet 1 and of course Haley just a speck in Gods eye but now 13 years later I sometimes catch myself sitting on that hearth and remembering that moment and how sooo much has changed.   I remember that other woman.   That woman “before”.    I’ve changed.    I’m the “after” woman now and I look at life differently.   When I look at pictures of myself now I also see the before and after me. I’ve always been sensitive but I’m extra sensitive now and I’m stronger too. Seems a bit of an oxymoron but it’s true.   

There are so many reminders of Brian in this house and just this morning a memory again flashed through my mind as I was making the bed.    He always put a glass of water directly on the nightstand until I noticed that it was taking off the stain and I made him start putting it on a coaster or magazine so I thought of him when I was reminded of that just doing a daily chore.    I get reminders like this all day long.   Even if I’m not in our house.    Bittersweet.   I smile a lot when I get these little glimpses into my past and often I even say something out loud to him.    I think, or hope, that this is pretty normal for widows. haha

Spring is late this year due to our crazy weather but I’m anxiously awaiting the color to again transform the landscape and remind me every so gently that I’m renewed and alive.