I know Brian wouldn’t want his legacy to be the way that he died.   Deep in my soul I know that he was as surprised as we were when he realized what he had done.    Others may see it differently and maybe it’s a way to protect myself but I really feel that way.

Brian wasn’t suicide.

Brian wasn’t depression.

Brian wasn’t mental illness.

He was a great man.

He was very funny and maybe even a little quirky.   I think we all have our quirks though.    I remember vividly the night I met him.   I had dragged my friends to a place for some unknown reason ( a bar but Brian and I later changed it to a jazz club haha) and we caught eyes across the room.    After the recent demise of what I thought was my forever relationship I had told myself (and maybe even friends) that I didn’t want a man who had kids yet or traveled for work.    I can totally remember asking him that first night what he did and it involved both travel and kids.    So funny.   I must have changed my mind because we got serious soon thereafter.

He loved fishing, especially fly fishing and poker.   I remember the hundreds of poker tournament shows that he had recorded on our dvr.    It sounds silly but after he died they were just a reminder of his presence every time I saw them and it  hurt me when I had to delete them one by one.    Like I was deleting part of him.     Our answering machine was the same but maybe worse because it was his voice on the outgoing message.    I never answer the home phone so it always made me stop for a minute when I heard it.      It took me a couple years to delete that and replace with my own voice and my heart and stomach actually hurt when I hit that delete button.

Mark and I are headed to Jamaica soon and I’ll be away from my kids for the longest since Brian has been gone.   Hayden is a little anxious about it but I know he will be fine and it’ll go fast.    I’m really looking forward to the trip but the last time I was in Jamaica was in 2002 when Brian and I married there!    We are staying on the opposite side of the island but at another Sandals resort so I’m hoping I’m not too flooded with memories and emotions and that I’ll be able to disconnect the two but try as I might sometimes you just can’t escape those pesky memories.   You just have to acknowledge them and thank God for them and then put them in a perverbial box.

If Brian could have changed direction in his life he would have wanted to be a fly fishing guide on a river somewhere or a therapist/counselor.    He was always a good listener and always had good advice and knew just what to say so he would have been good at that.   Sometimes I wonder if I could have done more to change the outcome.    Maybe we could have gone somewhat off the grid and bought a resort on a river and he could have been a guide and we could have raised the kids on a river.    Just where my mind goes sometimes.  What if.

He hated eggs and mayonnaise or anything white and creamy which was part of his quirky side.   I literally could only make eggs when he was out of town and I remember him flipping out once when he realized my famous artichoke dip that he loved had a cup of mayo in it.   He never ate it again after he discovered that.

He was also great at bedtime with the kids.   He would lay with them and talk and tell stories and often fall asleep curled up with them.    I was always rushing the bedtime routine so that I could get my alone time.    I hope my kids will remember those moments.

Brian became a sad statistic of suicide but suicide isn’t his legacy.    He was a man of deep faith and love.   He was a dreamer and friend to many.   If anything I want his death to be a call for men especially to not be afraid of reaching out and getting help if depression ever starts to take over so that they don’t become a statistic too.