The three of us just got back from a short three night trip to Branson to finish the end of spring break.   We had a great time, I spent too much money as usual but I still had those feelings of something missing, someone rather, many times during the trip.

On vacations like this I just notice the families with dads.   I very rarely see single parents with their kids and believe me I look and notice.   I know single parents travel but I just don’t see them very often.

Going from a family of four to three changes logistics.    At theme parks we used to be able to tag team and one of us could go on a ride with Hayden while the other stayed back with Haley or vice versa.    Now we all three stand in line and at the last minute Haley has to go stand alone by the side and wait for us.   Rides are short and she has strict instructions not to move or go with anyone other than me but still a little scary to leave your child even for a few minutes.   There are always lots of memories of doing these type of things with Brian and we talk about him more.   “Remember when you rode this with daddy and you hated it” or “Daddy loved this ride”, etc.

I can’t tell you how often hostesses at restaurants will ask “4”? and I will say “no, just three” and it stings just a little.   The kids don’t notice this of course but I always do.   This happens at so many family type things that I book.   It’s just a little odd how people assume we are a family of four.

A couple years ago I took the kids on the Branson Polar Express train which is something we had done with Brian before.   I don’t know what I was thinking booking that but being there with just us and ALL the families with a dad was very difficult and sad and I just kept thinking of the last time we were there together and how much our lives had changed now.    I remember the dad with the family next to our table noticed and he asked if I wanted him to take a picture of the three of us.    He sensed my aloneness.    He probably just assumed I was divorced and something made me want to tell him that I didn’t choose to be alone but I didn’t of course.

And even five years later when I go to pull dinner plates out of the cabinet I often automatically start to pull out four.   Isn’t that odd that I still do that?   We don’t sit at the family table where we all had our particular seats and instead it has become our homework table.    It helps to lessen the pain a little by doing things a little bit different and we tend to sit at the island now.

There is something liberating about being the only one in charge on these trips and I can make all the decisions on where we stay, what we do and what we eat but I would trade that in a second for my kids to have their dad back.