We have lived in the same house since Hayden was just under a year old, about 13 years now.     In Brian’s letter he had hoped that financially I would be able to stay in the house.   I have thus far but it’s a catch 22.   The house has seen so much life.   Such joy and love and trauma and grief.

Not a whole lot has changed since Brian passed.    I did add granite and painted and re-stained the cabinets  but the furniture and much of the decor is exactly the same . Most of which he did so when I look around the house I see a lot of him.    He is in so much of this house and so many of my memories.    He always sat at the same spot on the couch on his laptop when he was working at home and the cushion is even a little more cushy there where he sat so often.   I would kid him that he should move around a little so it got worn evenly.

The basement was his man cave and I didn’t have anything to do with that.   He put in a big screen and projector and got theater seats.   We rarely hang out down there anymore.   Hayden probably would but he got a new TV in his room this Christmas and that has changed where he plays his games.   His old office is down there and I still haven’t touched his old desktop computer and manager of the year plaques and such.  I haven’t cleaned out the desk cabinets much yet either.   It’s on my to-do list but I know I have just been avoiding it.

My sister in law came and got most of his clothes soon after his death.   It was so hard to see all his clothes just hanging there every time I walked into the closet.    We kept some things.  I kept a handful of his favorite t-shirts and my brother in law took some shirts.   My dad took a pair of his sandals and I remember the first time I saw him wearing them I recognized them as Brian’s.     Once we moved his clothes out I moved a few of my things over to his side and it felt so weird and almost wrong for a while but I have since filled up his side with my own clothes (maybe a little too much retail therapy there).      My closet was where I hid out when I needed time alone and didn’t want my kids to see or hear me.    Part of his ashes are still in there, the shaving kit that he had with him at that hotel still packed and hidden behind clothes.    Also, a wooden box that holds his clothes that he was wearing along with his glasses and keys and phone.   I’m sure that sounds weird that I kept what he was wearing but I just did for some reason.   I have his shoes, socks, underwear, white t-shirt and black dress slacks.    They don’t smell like him anymore but we do still have his cologne that he wore for years, Aqua di Gio.   Hayden wears it occasionally and Haley will sometimes spray it on her daddy bears to make them smell like daddy.    Those are special bears I had made for the kids that are wearing his real clothes cut down to bear size.   The other day I came across a picture of Brian wearing the exact same outfit one of the bears has on and it was really odd.

The third car garage is full of his tools and fishing gear and odds and ends. Just moments ago after I published this post Hayden asked me to help him find some tools out there so there we were digging through his dads tool box not knowing where anything was or what he had and it made me sad for my son that he doesn’t have his dad here to ask to help but instead had me out there just guessing. It’s moments like these five years later that still bite me in the ass.

Sleeping alone in the house was really hard for a while.   I was used to him being gone a lot traveling for work but it just felt different once I knew he was never coming home.   I had a lot of trouble sleeping and would actually get scared at noises and such.   Finally I moved to his side of the bed and that somehow made it a little better.    It’s not a good feeling when you wake up in the middle of the night and look over and realize he’s not in his spot so moving to his side lessened that feeling.     I do still have to sleep facing the door though!   I’m going to be so wrinkled on my left side but I just can’t sleep facing away.

Many times I have thought about moving to get away from the memories because I have for sure had one foot in my past and one in my future for a long time now.    I’m just starting to feel like maybe both feet are in my future these days but part of me is scared to let the house go, like I’m letting him go in the process of that.   I know that’s not really true and that he’ll be in our hearts but it’s just unexplainably difficult.   Part of me wants to hold on to the past but it’s not helping me to move forward.    I know we’ll move eventually when Mark and I marry and that will be bittersweet.     It’ll be good to look forward to our future and will be hard to fully let it go but I know eventually I will have to do that.      It has given us such stability and comfort and peace.    Brian’s pictures are still all over the house and on my digital frame in the kitchen.    Mark is so accepting of that which I’m very grateful for.  I’m sure it’s not always easy for him.    A picture will come up of Brian and me on the frame followed by me and Mark.    Kinda strange but it’s my journey.