Mark came into my life extremely quickly after Brian’s death, like a month after quickly.    I know this is shocking and alarming to many that I could be with someone else so soon but that is just how it unfolded.

I had actually met him twice before Brian died which is really odd to look back on now.     The first time we met was in August, five months before Brian’s death, when we went to a skincare presentation with Brian’s ex-wife.   Mark was,  and still is, a good family friend of hers so he was there as well and we all went out for drinks afterward.    He sat at the other end of the bar and I didn’t really chat with him much but if you would have told me then that I would not be with Brian but with Mark within six months I would have thought you were crazy.      I saw him again in September at her house for our grandson’s 1st birthday party.

Fast forward to February of 2013, a month after I lost Brian.   I had been getting huge amounts of support from friends and family and lots of people reached out to help in whatever way they could.    My oldest bonus son was in town visiting us and he thought that Mark might be a good contact because we had kids very similar in age, he lived close by and because he knew Mark as a generous man with his time and money.     Mark had also messaged me to let me know that he was there if I needed anything.   I got a lot of those messages which was nice.       So that weekend my bonus son dragged the kids and me to dinner at Marks house.    He didn’t literally drag me, I went willingly, but I had just come from a grief seminar and hadn’t showered that day or maybe even days by then so I obviously wasn’t thinking that this was going to be a love connection.

When we got there Haley was very clingy and I was on edge so I said “this isn’t going to work” but somehow she relaxed and soon enough was playing with the other kids.   Hayden actually spent the night that first night because he was having so much fun with Marks kids.

That was the year we had lots of snow and soon after that first meeting there were a few snow days in a row and he came and got us and we hung out over there.    He has four kids and I have the two and they played great together so we would hang out and talk and drink wine (or champagne) while the kids played and we got to know each other.   I didn’t plan on starting a relationship so soon.   I felt deeply abandoned.  I have been abandoned a couple times in my life before by my step dad and then by my first husband after only a few months of marriage but this was the ultimate abandonment.   At the time I felt like he didn’t love me enough to stick around and was so scared that he left me to raise the kids alone.  I now know he was truly sick and wouldn’t have hurt me in this way if he was in his right mind.  This new relationship just happened as these things sometimes do.    Mark was a soft place to fall.

I think he came into our lives for a reason.    We were in deep shock and grief and he and the kids were a good distraction from that.     They brought fun, adventure and smiles to our faces while inside we were still processing what had happened.    I have always cared too much about what other people think of me and I really struggled early on in our relationship thinking that people thought I must not have loved Brian to be able to move  on so quickly or that I was selfish, etc.   I don’t worry as much what others think of me now.   This is my journey and no one knows what they would do if they were in my shoes.   He also told me in his final letter that he wanted me to go on and “find all of the love and support you deserve” so I know he would want me happy and my 13 year old son reminds me of that often.

Mark and I are still together five years later but there have been lots of ups and downs in those years.     I will say that loving a suicide widow is not easy!   I know he would whole heartedly agree.  There have been lots of emotions as I have gone through the phases of grieving and back again.   The biggest of which has been fear which is a whole other blog.       For a couple of those years I felt my emotions increasing and actually thought it was just the new me because of what I’d been through but I finally got diagnosed with extreme anxiety/panic and learned just how much that was overtaking my life and I didn’t even realize it!     Now that I got help I feel like a completely different person.     This past holiday season was the best we’ve had since Brian died because I didn’t dwell on what used to be this time and really enjoyed my holidays with Mark and the kids.

I’m in a better place in my head and can now fully give myself to Mark.    He has been my rock and had lots of opportunities to leave (heck I think I was actually trying to get him to leave) but he hasn’t.   No one can replace my kids daddy but Mark is a good man who has been a strong male in their lives, our lives,  since Brian died.    We are still taking it day by day but the future looks bright and I have been through enough to know I will survive whatever the future holds.

Me and Mark and the “six pack”.  Mexico 2015