Well hello there! I have awakened from the abyss and decided to dust off my site and get back to it. My last post was a whole eight months ago! I have thought about writing quite a bit in that time but part of me was feeling a little too “out there” as I shared so much of my heart and feelings on such a public forum but I never could quite let the site expire and risk losing my domain nor could I delete my previous blogs so I’m glad I just let it sit until I felt compelled to come back to it and here I am!
Today is May 8th. I didn’t realize the date until I went to write a check earlier today and realized that this may be the first year in 7 years that this date wasn’t looming in my mind for weeks around it. That’s good right? I think so but then I felt a little guilty for “forgetting” and that made me feel sad. Today would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. That makes me feel really old too. Here is a clip again from our beach wedding long, long ago. Boy we were young and beautiful. 😉
I wonder what he would be thinking about this whole covid stay at home stuff and what our life would look like if he was here during this. I will say that as a widow it has been scary just wondering about the what if’s if I were to get really sick. Even before this pandemic I have been extra zealous about my health and making sure I’m having the usual tests and such without fail so that I can hopefully stay on top of it and avert any bad news. I haven’t been working since soon after he died so I’ve been home with the kids and we’ve actually enjoyed parts of the stay at home order. We have done more things together then usual and had puzzles out for weeks and tents in the dining room, etc. I don’t know what that would look like if he was here too. I do know I need to start working again and that is daunting after being out of the work force for 6 years. Yikes. Maybe now is a good time to maybe start organizing a book of some sort. It’s on my bucket list but just hard to know where and how to start that process.
During this quarantine Mark and I (my long term boyfriend for any new comers) didn’t see each other in person for five weeks! We are finally getting back to a little more of our normal routine and the kids and I going back and forth between my house and his. Luckily we live 2.2 miles apart so that’s nice. We have plans for a future but it’s a process for all of us and there is no hurry at this stage of our lives. Remember we are a blended family of eight and we’ve all been through a lot in different ways. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I have found that it’s sometimes harder to write about my very current situation and instead I find it easier to reflect once a little time has passed so I’ll keep you updated on any changes to that part of my life. Even though I will never forget Brian and I think about him in some capacity every single day I do feel ready to get onto the next phase of my journey.
I recently realized that I’ve been living in my house alone without Brian for nearly 7 1/2 years which is just as long as he lived here with us and that blew me away for whatever reason. It seems like he was here with us for much longer and I can’t believe I’ve been here alone for just as long. When I realized that I actually stopped what I was doing and looked around my house and took mental notes of what was the same then and what I have changed or added. Sometimes it seems like he’s been gone for so long and other times not long at all so it’s strange how grief can alter your perception of time sometimes.
I’ll end on another interesting or strange fact. Brian was 48 when he died. My kids were born in 04′ and 08′ and they were ages 4 and 8 when he died. Weird huh. Also I was married in 02′ and again kids born in 04′ and 08′ and then he died in 13′ so I’m thinking even years are my good ones and odd years I should avoid.
It’s good to be back. I want to try to write more often even if I don’t publicly post. It’s therapy.