So the kids and I just returned from our annual RV trip. This time we went to Arkansas with my dad and sisters for a few days and then made our way to Estes Park, Co. Estes holds a very special place in our hearts as it’s where we spread Brian’s ashes six months after he passed away.

I have written before about how I knew Brian’s wishes if something were to ever happen to him. Shortly before his death (like a couple of months shortly) I was becoming increasingly anxious that we didn’t have a will. Our kids were 4 and 8 and I just worried what would happen if something were to happen to us. I kept asking Brian to start the process but we just hadn’t gotten around to it so I even tried to download a will maker form online and do it myself but soon gave up on that. So one day Brian was sitting on his famous spot on the couch on his computer and I stopped (still standing, never sat) as I was busily picking up around the house and asked him what he would want us to do if something were to happen to him before we got a will made. That’s another strange part of my story. Like my anxiety and premonitions were helping to guide me. I also got shingles two months before he died that is brought on by stress so obviously my mind and body knew something that I didn’t. He thought for a moment and then told me he would want to be cremated and thrown in a trout stream somewhere. I told him I wanted to be cremated as well and thrown over a mountain vista somewhere. He never said specifically where but anyone who knew Brian also knows that he never met a trout stream that he didn’t like.

Ironically (or not) before his death we already had been making plans for a summer vacation with Brian’s parents and sister’s family to Estes Park. We never would have imagined that we would be doing that trip without him and spreading his ashes there instead but nonetheless that’s what ended up happening.

My sister in law Heather found a great stream where two rivers merge into one with a neat bridge over it so that is what became Brian’s final resting place. This was the first time that the kids and I had been back to this spot. It’s been six years and it looked a little different walking to the location but my bonus son Tyler was with us and frequently fishes the area so he walked us there.

I wasn’t sure what to expect that I would feel being in that place again. I would say it was a mix of emotions. This isn’t a totally remote area so there was a couple napping in a hammock right where we stood to spread his ashes and then a small group of teen girls taking pictures on the bridge. I went to sit on the same rock that I sat on years before while holding his ashes in my arms and talking to him before we released them. (some not all, I still have some that I kept in case we want to make memorial items with them which I do so am glad that I kept some back). I sat on that same rock and thought about all that has happened and changed these past six years. Part of me wanted to ask those people to leave so we could have peace and I imagined what that conversation might sound like, “Excuse me, this is my late husbands grave site and would you mind giving us some time alone” or something like that. Of course I didn’t say anything and they all eventually moved on. I shed a few tears sitting there and once again thinking how unreal it still really is sometimes. I took a few pictures from my perch there and videos of the sounds of the water. It was really high so extra beautiful. I took a picture of the sun coming though the trees there which resembles a dragon fly to me which are kind of a thing for me now that he has passed. I’m not sure why but as a kid my dad had told my sister and I that he would give us $20 if we ever caught a live one. We never have so they have always held a mystical magic to me and now almost a spiritual sign from the other side. My dad gave us a stained glass lamp for a wedding gift years ago that happens to have dragonflies on it and I moved it to my nightstand a few years ago. Actually it’s what used to be Brian’s nightstand. Soon after he passed I switched sides of the bed because it was easier to sleep on his side rather than have the empty void there. There was also a dragonfly in the rental RV when Haley and I picked it up for this trip. That was really weird and struck both of us as strange. I don’t know where it ended up because we never saw it again. So when the sun looked like a dragonfly to me as I was thinking and talking to him from “his spot” it was yet another sign and gave me a bit of peace and joy. Now I really love dragonflies.

Honestly I wasn’t as overcome with emotion as I thought I might being in his spot again. I think because I live amongst his memories everyday in my regular life that I don’t have to go there to talk to or remember him. Right now I’m writing this from his usual spot on the couch, (memory) a few days ago I finally cleaned out the top drawer of his dresser which still held old watches, collar stays, casino cards, his nail clippers and things like that (memory), also right this minute I’m having an air conditioner and furnace replaced and keep thinking how Brian would be so happy that we are finally going to have a cool house in the summer. It has been an issue since we bought this house and I just finally had to bite the bullet. So I’m constantly reminded of him with memories and emotions no matter what I do or where I am. I think he purposely puts these memories in my head on a daily basis so I don’t forget about him. haha He did have quite the sense of humor. I’ll be moving from this house in the not so distant future so I do wonder how that will be emotionally when that happens. It’s probably time for me to move on from some of these daily reminders but will also be bittersweet and I do know I won’t forget about him simply from not living in our home anymore.

I know that Brian would love his resting place and being among the mountains, rushing water and fish and I look forward to visiting there more in the future but I also know that I don’t have to be there to remember him.