So this is a random blog but shows how the mind of a widow can wander and go back. Right this minute I’m on a flight to Key West with my chapter 2, Mark. He’s currently fast asleep under half of my blanket that I think he’s glad that I brought.

We are sitting in the back of the plane and there is a family with young children behind me. I am physically and mentally recalling and remembering a very similar Southwest flight just six weeks after Brian died. We were on the return home to Kansas City after going to Florida to visit my grandma and family and we got stuck in an excruciating security line and ended up running to our plane and the last to board. The kids were then still 4 and 8 and people at the back of the plane were courteous and moved so we could sit together. I wonder if they could see the distress on my face?

The flight continued and I noticed the family of four across the row from us. The mother was helping her kids with spring break homework. That made me a little angry. She was on a nice family vacation. I was alone involuntarily with two young kids.

I don’t know what the trigger was but Haley started throwing a fit which wasn’t so unusual for her and especially her young age. I was already on edge and was getting embarrassed so took her to the bathroom to try to calm both of us down. Passengers probably thought I was hitting her based on her screams. Needless to say we got back to our seats and the flight attendant offered me another wine on her. I think early on I was in such a fog that I didn’t realize what I said to people and I told her that I was grateful as this was my first flight alone after losing my husband. I vividly remember her saying how sorry she was and was he in the service. I said “no, it was unexpected suicide” which always seems to catch people off guard.

Haley calmed down and I drank my wine and I’ll never forget the sympathetic look from the mother across the aisle with her entire family. We exchanged glances and I think she was trying to tell me she was sorry but I only just remember feeling so alone and afraid.

So that’s the life of a widow. Headed off to a much anticipated getaway with my love but those memories are never far behind.

Xoxo

D