For the first time in the six years since Brian passed I can honestly say that I’m happy, at peace and ready to start my next chapter in life. I thought I was at this point long ago but I wasn’t and it took Mark and I splitting up for a bit to realize that.
Obviously I have been grieving the entire time Mark and I have been together. We both knew it would be a rocky road when we started our relationship because I was so raw and anyone who has traveled the grief road and especially suicide grief understands how up and down and day to day it is. Feelings can come out of nowhere and can often be triggered by the smallest things. That still happens to me but I seem to react differently now. Maybe it’s that I’ve accepted these feelings now and can take the time to feel them and remember and then let them go instead of them sticking around for too long.
When Mark and I were apart it allowed us to step back and realize just how much we love each other and want to be together. We both missed each other very much but it allowed me to decide on my own that I wanted to be with him. I was able to choose him and I guess it gave me power to make that decision. I wasn’t able to choose what happened to us when Brian made the decision that he did and then Mark and I just started hanging out and then were a couple. It just happened so for us to take time away and then re-evaluate what we each want and desire in a mate and then decide that we wanted to be with each other made it very liberating. Our relationship this time around is completely different than it was before. We communicate in a way that we never had before and most importantly walls came down and resentments were released on both sides and it’s been beautiful. We have also been dating more than we ever had before. Kids are old enough to stay home alone now so we sneak out for early dinners sometimes or have date days on Fridays and it’s wonderful.
For a long time I still felt married to Brian and still so connected to him that it made it hard for me to love another man. I know Brian wanted me to move on and find “all the love and support that you deserve” from his note and FINALLY I feel like I can do that and let myself be happy. I love Mark and feel so secure in his love for me and I’m excited about our future. I do still think about Brian multiple times a day and I think I always will but something has profoundly changed in me and I feel able to move on and release myself from my past. So now I say hi to him when something reminds me of him or a memory pops up and yeah I still talk to him occasionally. 😉
I am at peace because I have truly forgiven him and I feel his spirit around me quite a lot and most importantly I know that I’ll see him on the other side.
Live, Laugh, Love and Love some more.
xoxo
