So I kind of knew that I wouldn’t stay away from blogging for long.   I received quite a few comments from people who enjoy reading my blog and some saying it has actually helped them so I think I will continue to post updates occassionally.

Our holiday break is coming to an end.   Christmas decorations are packed up and put away and kids go back to school and our busy sports schedules tomorrow.

I was worried that this would be a really hard Christmas and New Years since Mark and I split up but it was actually not as bad as I was expecting.    The weekend before Christmas my bonus sons and their families spent the weekend with us and the house was full of laughter, love and memories.   I do think about Brian much more when I’m around them because I see so much of him in each of them but it makes me happy now and not quite as sad as it used to.   Don’t get me wrong, there are those moments when I think “you should be here Brian” and I find myself saying that a lot in my head but he’s not so I just find joy in seeing him in their mannerisms and expressions, their joy of fishing and poker like him and remembering old jokes.

I spent more time with my mom and sister and Brian’s family this year since we weren’t with Mark and it was nice.    I did miss Mark and his family but saw and talked to him some.    I think because we broke up as friends and care very much for each other that it has made it easier.    My kids and I really enjoyed this last week of break and spent a lot of time together.   My teen even wanted to play board games and stuff with us which was a miracle in itself.

I’m excited for a fresh start in all aspects of my life and fitting that it’s a new year and I just turned another year older at the same time that things are changing for me personally.   I’m not so excited at the thought of dating these days and will be hard to do much of that anyway since I have my kids 24/7 unlike divorced people but they are older and more independent so that’s a plus I guess.    I had a bad experience just from getting on a dating app for about 15 minutes so I’m not really wanting to meet someone by that route.  Catfished. Yikes.   I’ve actually never really dated.   Always seemed to meet someone through friends or hanging out with mutual friends, etc. and way before dating apps were a thing.  Brian is actually the only man that I met at a bar but we always said it was a jazz club. haha

I also finally had my engagement and wedding rings made into a necklace and two funky rings which I’m soo glad I finally did. I don’t have a good pic of them yet but doing that also symbolizes moving on to me and not having this old life sitting in a box. My life has changed but I’m still the same woman underneath all the tragedy so only fitting that the rings and symbol of my past also changed and evolved. Still beautiful but in a new way.

I don’t know what the future holds but I’m not living in fear as much as I thought I might be.    Again my faith comes into play which I think is giving me peace.    I’m excited for what 2019 will hold for me and my amazing kids.   We have an RV trip planned to Estes Park this summer to look forward to which is where we spread Brian’s ashes and it will be the first time we’ve been back there since we did that six years ago but it won’t be sad this time.    Life goes on and I’m ready for all it has to offer.