It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog post. Haven’t written since going to visit Brian’s resting place this past June. Summer is over and kids are back in school. This year, Hayden started high school and Haley started middle school so it’s been a few weeks of firsts and getting into our new routines. I was anxious for these firsts but realized that I was bringing my own anxieties onto my kids whether consciously or not so I actually changed my thinking and “let it go” and so far they have done great with the new changes and are both staying on top of their school work. Math has never been easy for any of us, Brian included, so I found a tutor before school even started but have since let that go as well and will just think positive that they can stay on top of it and seek help independently if they run into trouble but I’ll be speed dialing her if needed. Hayden also ended up joining the high school football team at the last minute so that has been a change as well. He is very athletic (which I can’t credit to Brian or myself) and he played football in his younger years but then concentrated on soccer and basketball and then just basketball but every year when football season would start he would wishfully express how a part of him wanted to play again. Now as a freshman he has his whole high school experience in front of him and I keep looking back on my own high school experience and the should have’s, could have’s and so I texted him one day (yes during school hours) and told him that I wanted him to have no regrets and to go for it if he wanted. I think he held out some because he thought that I was afraid he would get hurt and again I can’t put my fears on my kids and I can’t put them in a bubble as much as I would like to. So we exchanged a few texts and he talked to the coach that afternoon and is now on the team. Tonight is his first game and he’s the starting kicker and has to prove his skills in the coming practices and games but I’m happy that I let myself go and let him be him.
I crave routines and know that my kids do as well. They always do better when they know what’s on the agenda. Our mornings are always the same. For years now since Brian has died I always have Alexa playing Christian music, Jack Johnson or something relaxing and uplifting and some sort of invigorating essential oil diffusing to help wake us all up. No TV on or bad news. As they are eating I usually read a super quick daily motivational devotion unless I forget and yes, Hayden is usually looking at his phone during breakfast but he always stops to hear the devotion so I keep doing it. :-). It’s just for a quick 15 or 20 minutes together but I think it’s grounding for all three of us. Hayden’s taste in music is vastly different than mine these days but every once in a while I hear him singing one my songs and it makes me smile. They don’t complain about “my music” on these mornings because it’s just the school morning routine that they are used to. I wonder if they would notice if I didn’t do any of that some morning. Hmmm.
I feel content in my soul these days. 6 1/2 years after Brian’s passing and my grief is changing a bit lately. I try to be grateful for what is and all the amazing blessings that I have. Things could have been even worse than they were in many ways and for that I am grateful. Hayden’s school is doing a big hour long talk on suicide next week and my first thought was to pull him out of that so that he didn’t have to have it put in his face but after thinking about it I decided that it’s what we have to face daily and again I can’t protect him from what happened any more than I have. His teachers and new friends of his don’t know that his dad died by suicide. The talk is mostly discussing signs of depression/suicide in friends and yourself and as much as I don’t want to admit it he does now have the ” family member that died by suicide” stigma to add to his life resume so he needs to stay on top of his mental health extra zealously. (I hate that they actually ask if you have any family members that died by suicide when getting life insurance. They asked me that question). I’m not going to believe and fear the talk that suicide can be genetic but I do know the stats and that mental illness and depression can be genetic so I’m not holding him back from the seminar and maybe he will have a keener sense of the signs in a friend or himself at some point though I pray not.
As for myself….I’m doing really well. I’m loving my kids at the ages they are and the relationship that we have. I’m super grateful for the openness that the three of us share. I still find myself needing lots and lots of solitude and introspection and just being alone without having to “be on” for anybody other than myself. Still dealing with my anxieties a little I guess. Mark knows and accepts this about me. 🙂 I do know I need to be more social and not so socially isolating but I’m also the solo parent to these active kids and going to try to slow down and appreciate this season because Hayden will be driving on his own soon and he won’t need me to run him around anymore so that will be another change. The car is also where we have most of our talks so I told him I’ll have to ask him to go sit in his car or something once we get to that point. Ha
So for this season until we move and merge with Mark and our big blended family (which I love in other ways–that’s another blog post), I am savoring the simplicity of our life right at this moment. I’m entering a new season of grief where it’s not so raw anymore and not always “there”. I’m content, happy, grateful and ready for the next chapter.
Love to you,
Damita