Today is May 8th, 2018. 16 years ago today Brian and I got married in Jamaica. Boy, I don’t know what I would have thought if you had told me that day that he would be gone just over 10 years later and by how he would go and that my life would take a drastic turn. Would I have done anything differently if I had known the outcome? Probably not. Everything that has happened in my life has prepared and directed me for exactly where I am right now. I have no regrets. I learned a lot from Brian.
I grew up going to a Methodist church occasionally and believed in God or a higher power but really didn’t truly have an understanding of spiritual matters.
In the spring of 1998 I was blindsided by the very early demise of my first marriage. Less than six months actually. We were young, in our twenties, but it was truly heartbreaking and humiliating. While I was back living at my moms I had a lot of time for introspection and started reading books on spirituality and part of the Bible. I needed some sort of reassurance that there was something more. I met Brian in the fall of 1998. I’ve told a little of how we met in another blog but we quickly became a couple and dated for 3 1/2 years before marrying in the spring of 2002.
Brian was a very strong Christian. He grew up in a family of strong faith and his father a Chaplain for many years. When we met he helped me to grow as a Christian from what I had been starting on my own. I had lots of questions and throughout our marriage I would ask him “what about this” and “how is that possible” etc. We went to church and he was the spiritual leader in our family We got baptized together a couple days before getting married.
I learned so much from him and really deepened and grew my faith and it helped prepare me for what was coming in my future. My faith and spirituality is really what has gotten me through these past five years. In an earlier blog I wrote how I always had a premonition maybe that he would die young. I have always been intuitive and I think that I just knew that somewhere deep inside of me. Also, in the early weeks after his death I felt a deep sense of protection and guidance. From God, Angels, Spirit Guides, Masters, whatever. I know that sounds strange to some of you but even though I was devastated and deeply grieving I also had this weird sense of peace and I still do. I think Mark came into my life for a reason. He and his kids have helped us heal and grow in their own way. Maybe he is “part of the plan”. Maybe for a season or forever but just relaxing and not trying to control my future is liberating. I wasn’t always like that. Believe me, I tend to want to control my life and protect myself from more hurt as much as possible so trying to relax is a new thing for me and I’m still a work in progress.
I don’t regret any of my years with Brian. I don’t regret the heartache his death has brought though I do wish of course that I never had to experience that. I believe that he came into my life as planned and helped create beauty from the ashes of my heart and soul. He was there to help guide me along as I found my own spiritual way. The last few years before he died the tables started to turn and I actually became our family’s spiritual leader. Looking back now I wonder if that is when his depression really was starting or getting worse. He had guided me and taught me enough that I took over. I admit I wasn’t happy with that at the time and felt resentful that things were changing but now I know why. I was being prepared to be the leader for my kids without him.